8/25/09 - RonE B
The playoffs have yet to be set. There is no reason for me to believe that I will be in them or that I will win the championship. Everything is still very much up for grabs. But regardless of what happens from this point forward the 2009 Fantasy Baseball season was a success.
At about 10:45 EST Sunday night, the greatest of my fantasy accomplishments was completed: Despite Newman’s payoff and all Josh Beckett’s attempts to derail the team’s destiny, MoVaughn MoProblems tactfully and soundly shutout The Online Tough Guys. A clean 10-0-0 sweep in the third to final match-up of the season. A win that very well could decide who plays in September, and who goes to the loser’s bracket, pride long since lost and more playing on the Little League philosophy that everyone gets a trophy, theirs being the first overall pick in next March’s Microbrew Draught.
But before we continue with last week’s domination, let’s first examine what brought us to this point.
January:
On a cold winter’s afternoon a bright, wide-eyed and hung over Ron Bower received a phone call from a number his phone could not recognize. Ron picked up of course; he wasn’t one to screen calls. “Hello?”
“Hey Ronnie! It’s Joe B.”
“Oh Hey, what’s up man?”
“Oh nothing. Listen there’s a spot open in our fantasy baseball league this summer and I’d like to know if you want to join?”….
I took the spot which led to an exchange with the cousin, Scott. Scott told me that I was in great shape and had studs like Mark Teixeira, Ryan Dempster and CC Sabathia to look forward to. Now, I respect some of Scott’s opinion, but it became apparent long-ago that his baseball evaluations were sub-par. So I had to respectively disagree.
February:
In my first look at my inheritance and the teams around the league I began to evaluate what was in store for the future.
The team was called the Mooseknuckles. To my sheltered readers, mooseknuckle is camel-toe’s unsexy, unskinny and unintelligent twin sister. Under new ownership things needed to change, immediately!
MoVaughn MoProblems was born and I quickly began to search out ways to rebuild.
Cue Newman:
I was introduced to this dim-witted, exaggerated nobody through my email inbox in what appeared to be a joke. A hazing of the new guy if you will. I soon found out otherwise. The offer:
OTG Gets: Adam Dunn & CC Sabathia
MVP Gets: Rich Harden, Ryan Ludwick & OTG’s 2nd round pick
I quickly told him that a soft Dick Harden and a most likely fluke, Ryan Ludwick, were not in MVP’s best interests, that the offer made no sense and that he needed to do a lot better. Newman’s next offer:
MVP Gets: Billy Wagner
OTG Gets: Adam Dunn, Bobby Jenks, Derek Jeter, Derek Lowe, Bengie Molina, CC Sabathia, Mark Teixeira, and Michael Young
“my name is the online tough guys get used to this.”
…Terrified
March:
Having made a few moves I was set up strong for the draft. (Note: an unfair, and ridiculous might I add, rule set by the commissioner sets a standard that all teams must have 15 draft picks, therefore, I went into the draft thinking I had 18 when I, in fact, only had 15.)
On a whim the commissioner decided to allot unlimited time for draft choices and start the draft out of the blue one Saturday morning. At a very important business conference this General Manager was unable to perform his league duty of beginning the draft with the first overall pick. At the day’s end I chose to sip on a few adult beverages and the following morning decided to sleep an extra half-dozen hours rather than draft my first choice.
I hadn’t yet done any research but I needed offense. That night I chose Andre Ethier. Cue Newman:
“Andre Ethier is a good sleeper pick. I can probably get him as a free agent after the draft, though. Wait someone already took him? What an idiot!”
April:
I couldn’t wait. Second week of the season and it was time to play the world’s biggest doucher. I was nervous, but it has always been said that the underdog plays loose and the favorite plays conservative.
BOOM! 6-3-1 WIN
I told Newman in some choice words to take something out of his mouth and stick it somewhere else. Cue Newman and what became his rally cry for the 2009 season:
“BLOW IT UP BOWER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
May:
Dark days in MoVaughn MoProblems team offices. Players were cut and rally caps worn. Newman had a commanding 10.5 game lead in the division. MVP was third at 13.5 back and a depressing 25-31-4 record.
June:
For the first time MVP snuck above the .500 mark and in a league wide-poll that asked “At 39-36-5 is MoVaughn MoProblems the real deal?” 87.5% of responders voted that “Yes, yes they are and I’m not at all happy about it. PS – Newman’s a douche bag.”
A contender and rivalry was officially born.
July:
The teams split the month going 1-1 against each other. I beat Newman 7-3-0 then he escaped me 5-4-1 three weeks later.
It became clear that I needed some help in the pitching staff and that I could win the division if not the whole league with the right help.
August:
Mark Teixeira had been an integral part to MVP’s success but became expendable with Adam Dunn’s first base eligibility, Andrew McCutchen’s emergence as the greatest athlete of the 21st Century and Cliff Lee’s move to the National League.
A competitor emerged from the shadows in Gabe and suddenly Newman and I were no longer a two-horse race. Neither of us was even in first place. It was a three-team race to the finish for the division and only three teams of five remaining could secure playoff spots. The cream had risen to the top in the Miller Brewing Co. Division, having basically secured three teams a spot in the playoffs.
But with a game and a half separating Newman and I in the standings, and playoffs on the line, a match-up in the third to final week had all the news outlets buzzing.
Present:
There’s really no nice way to put getting shutout: “We tried really hard, had fun, and in the end that’s all that matters.”
There’s no way to make excuses: “We had a lot of injuries on the team. Had we been healthy we would have won!”
There isn’t even a backdoor that allows you to get off easy: “The better team won. He did everything and beat us fear and square.”
No, no, no Newman. None of that will do.
You see, all season long I heard this boring, annoying, and stupid trash talk from you. None of it was at all funny, intelligent, enlightening or even amusing. Just bush league stuff that a toddler would be embarrassed to use.
My guys did their best to keep the score close and salvage you some dignity, but you couldn’t even manage that.
I won homers this week 6-0. I had six home runs and won! All other teams this week would have tied or beaten me but three! You were the only team without a homer! YOU SUCK!
You had the third worst batting average this week having gone .250. YOU SUCK!
As of Thursday I had locked up at least a tie in the saves category and won it out-right on Friday. Final Score: 7-1. YOU SUCK!
Your guys had 7 starts this week and counting relievers only amassed 36 total innings with as many strikeouts. I had 7 starts with 57 innings and 60 strikeouts. YOU SUCK!
You tied for the worst in RBI with 22 and were the most awful in Runs Scored with 20. YOU SUCK!
You tied for third most awful in steals. YOU SUCK!
You tied for third least amount of wins with 2 and I would almost guarantee that in wins per pitcher started you were in dead last. YOU SUCK!
And despite your dastardly scheme to pay off Josh Beckett to play awful, and he succeeded, I still beat you in ERA and WHIP. YOU SUCK!
Newman, despite all your injury excuses I had merely 17 more at-bats than you. Therefore, your excuses are moot. Any attempt you have at sugar coating it is useless. And try not to get on my good-side. I kicked your ass, plain and simple.
In regards to what’s ahead, I don’t know. As it stands I am a game and a half up in the division lead and have to play two teams that I have yet to beat this season. That being said the four other teams competing for playoff spots are each playing a competitor in the final two weeks and could beat each other up enough to guarantee my place.
Regardless, I finished the season 3-1 (27-11-2) against Newman this season and quite possibly could have eliminated him from the playoffs. This season was a success.
During the week Newman wrote that he was beating himself because his guys wouldn’t play through injuries. On Friday he made two trade deadline trades and wrote this on the message board: “I BLEW IT UP BOWER!!”
No you didn’t, Newman. I blew it up.
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